On Emotions, Part 2: A Personal Practice

The practice that I’ve developed with the emotions list/wheel in Part 1 is that when I don’t know what I am feeling, I sit with the wheel or list until I can list as many as I can or am feeling. I also then do a body scan to see which parts of my body are activated and do different practices to help comfort that part (e.g., soothing touch, deep breathing).  

This is particularly helpful for me because when we are triggered, we often go into fight/flight/freeze/fawn/flop mode (also known as the stress response or trauma response) and “lose access” to our frontal lobe that helps with expression, impulse control, judgment, problem solving, and so on. 

I have been guilty of this with my partner and family members. When I’m overwhelmed with certain emotions or feelings, I use strong language and phrases to try to evoke those same feelings in them, rather than communicating what I am feeling and what I need. Using those evocative phrases feels safer because it keeps me from vulnerability.

So, the feelings list helps me to regulate my nervous system and connect back with myself as I identify what I am feeling, why I am feeling it, and what triggered it—so that I can connect back with others when I need or when I am ready. 

So, some questions I would recommend reflecting on are:

• What am I feeling? What mix of emotions am I feeling?

• Where do I feel those feelings/emotions in my body?

• What is it telling me about what is happening?

• What do I want? What do I need? 

  • E.g., Are there things I need to communicate, such as my boundaries? Are there things I can give myself?

• Is there a past (meaning younger) part of me that has felt this before and is reacting out of that same feeling?

I believe this work is important because it is like Dr. Daniel Siegel said, “Name it to tame it.” I would add, “And to talk about it” because when we are able to name our feelings, we are able to communicate them and our experiences better to aid intimacy and connection with not only ourselves but also with others. 

Read Part 1 and Part 3.